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Jun. 11th, 2009 05:21 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
afufleI am going nuts. I just lost some money, an envelope with receipts and change from the upcoming Al-anon event I've been helping arrange. This is from a long line of thefts and money disappearing. It seems it's always after a period of not sleeping or being under a lot of stress. I know now one or more of my personalities is doing it on purpose--out of a mistaken sense of doing the the right thing. Or something like that.
I recently found a money order that I thought was in the purse that got stolen in December. $32.60, nice, but I have to get it cashed by sending it in to the literature office, then letting them send me a check, or giving it to the new literature chairperson and seeing if she will cash it. The treasurer for our group will not cash it, she's skittish if she doesn't understand exactly what's going on. But I don't know for sure how to explain it.
I'm about ready to push the issue, though. I don't know what happened to the money, but I paid for it out of my own money, and had to completely forgo giving Christmas gifts. The problem is it just keeps happening.
In my worst moments, it really gives me the creeps. Then there is a part of me that is like, oh well, it's all in God's hands, there's a reason for everything, it's not so bad, it'll all work out.
I am just recovering from 2 or 3 weeks of not sleeping but 3 or 4 hours a night. I had to pray and fast to get over that, had to have a friend pray for me. So finally last night, about 6 hours of sleep. or 5, I don' t know. I've always had insomnia, as far as I remember.
Oy, that works on your head. Tomorrow is another counseling session. I wish they were more often, but maybe that's all I can handle right now anyway.
The weird thing is that there is something telling me, TOO SICK--meaning just not ready for major surgery. So I am going to have to tell them that tomorrow. And all the paranoia and sleep deprivation, and fears. If they are ready. If I am ready.
I don't know how to explain how desolate I feel when it's really bad, like it was last week. How I felt it was my fate to commit suicide, or have a dull life where nothing works. I guess I've got time to do that.
I just hate it when everything feels like it's falling apart, but I guess after so many years of not even knowing I have a multiple personality, of not knowing I was abused, not knowing I had an abortion--yeah, that's nuts, isn't it? I guess things are not going to look like a bed of roses.
Sometimes I hate to tell them this stuff, sometimes I tend to say everything is fine. But other times it's like they are my counselors, anything I have to tell them they will truly know sooner or later. I do believe in this, that all will be known about me eventually, that's why I tend to want to just spill the beans sometimes. It's just embarrassing to reveal how paranoid I am to anyone. I don't feel like I've really revealed my spiritual paranoia yet. Well, it's just a matter of time.
Good thing for the LJ Saved Draft feature, or I'd have wasted all this complaining.
Happy 75th birthday mom, I have nothing to give you but the hugs I have been giving you lately. I'm still mad at you for some things. I guess I can't help it yet. I haven't processed some of the sneakier, scarier rottener things you've done. I know you don't read my posts or even know anything about computers, so you won't be reading this. I guess I'm just doing it for my own benefit, which may be better than nothing.
I recently found a money order that I thought was in the purse that got stolen in December. $32.60, nice, but I have to get it cashed by sending it in to the literature office, then letting them send me a check, or giving it to the new literature chairperson and seeing if she will cash it. The treasurer for our group will not cash it, she's skittish if she doesn't understand exactly what's going on. But I don't know for sure how to explain it.
I'm about ready to push the issue, though. I don't know what happened to the money, but I paid for it out of my own money, and had to completely forgo giving Christmas gifts. The problem is it just keeps happening.
In my worst moments, it really gives me the creeps. Then there is a part of me that is like, oh well, it's all in God's hands, there's a reason for everything, it's not so bad, it'll all work out.
I am just recovering from 2 or 3 weeks of not sleeping but 3 or 4 hours a night. I had to pray and fast to get over that, had to have a friend pray for me. So finally last night, about 6 hours of sleep. or 5, I don' t know. I've always had insomnia, as far as I remember.
Oy, that works on your head. Tomorrow is another counseling session. I wish they were more often, but maybe that's all I can handle right now anyway.
The weird thing is that there is something telling me, TOO SICK--meaning just not ready for major surgery. So I am going to have to tell them that tomorrow. And all the paranoia and sleep deprivation, and fears. If they are ready. If I am ready.
I don't know how to explain how desolate I feel when it's really bad, like it was last week. How I felt it was my fate to commit suicide, or have a dull life where nothing works. I guess I've got time to do that.
I just hate it when everything feels like it's falling apart, but I guess after so many years of not even knowing I have a multiple personality, of not knowing I was abused, not knowing I had an abortion--yeah, that's nuts, isn't it? I guess things are not going to look like a bed of roses.
Sometimes I hate to tell them this stuff, sometimes I tend to say everything is fine. But other times it's like they are my counselors, anything I have to tell them they will truly know sooner or later. I do believe in this, that all will be known about me eventually, that's why I tend to want to just spill the beans sometimes. It's just embarrassing to reveal how paranoid I am to anyone. I don't feel like I've really revealed my spiritual paranoia yet. Well, it's just a matter of time.
Good thing for the LJ Saved Draft feature, or I'd have wasted all this complaining.
Happy 75th birthday mom, I have nothing to give you but the hugs I have been giving you lately. I'm still mad at you for some things. I guess I can't help it yet. I haven't processed some of the sneakier, scarier rottener things you've done. I know you don't read my posts or even know anything about computers, so you won't be reading this. I guess I'm just doing it for my own benefit, which may be better than nothing.
