afufle | Your heart is where your treasure is

<--RIP, I guess

Rest in peace little handbag. I've lost my wallet once, had it stolen twice, and this final time I don't clearly know if I've lost it or it was stolen.

But in the last four years, stolen or lost twice, returned once, and I lost my journal with my grandmother's original one of a kind phot in it--but it was returned also. The time my wallet was returned I was on the bus, same with the journal and photo.

This last time I was oddly not emotional, felt like I was apart from my feelings. But the week before was a very emotional time for me, I stayed home from family Thanksgiving dinner to relive a horrible moment in my life that I knew was buried in my head. I knew I was reliving a moment of grief, horror and just hell. I did not get any visuals or hear anything, but I knew I was not crazy. There is a time in my life when I was dating a dubious guy, and there is a question to what happened at a party where I only drank a couple wine coolers, but ended up losing my grandmother's coat, a gift to me, and not understanding how it got out of the car, which I'm pretty sure is where I left it. The guy did not say his car had been broken into at the party.

I talked to my sponsor over the Thanksgiving episode, and she did not seem that concerned, was not that concerned about me losing the purse, just said I needed to minimize the amount of stuff I carry. I think I've told her about losing a lot of things in the last few years, and I told her about not being able to just go to the store and get a money order to make the literature payments, just take the cash. I just would wait weeks or even a month.

And 2 literature payments were in the purse when I lost it, one I had finally made into a money order, the other I was holding pending sorting out a mysterious nonpayment--I know I had the money for one 35$ order, but don't know what I did with it till talking to the new lady at the office a couple weeks ago.

I am already thinking about geting a different sponsor for various reasons, and feel guilty about that because she's been very giving. I am really on the fence about this.

I remember now I was sitting at the very spot I am sitting now, and decided to make a little sketch of that purse on a piece of scrap paper. And I remembered last week that I had a dream that my purse was stolen--that it was from a different library, one I don't go to but once in a blue moon, it's so far out. And it's like WTF, what did I do?

When my wallet was stolen 4 years ago, the time it was never returned, I finally figured out there was some missing time or something, between the time I was bumped by a guy with a kid--I have NEVER been bumped in a grocery store in my life, not from behind, not on the back. Maybe on the hip by a cart, but not by an actual body. And then I remembered going to a particular aisle after that, and putting my wallet on the shelf for a moment. I looked at some coupons to see if I had the right one for the product I was buying, and I sure thought I put it back in the purse.

Why would I get bumped from behind, then leave my wallet on the shelf if that's what happened. And why did I rest my wallet on the shelf, which I don't think I remember doing ever before. It's not completely unlike me, but....weird.

It's really difficult for me to think about this clearly. I know I had lost about 40 lbs. in three months before the wallet theft in the grocery store. I had also just gotten a job which was taxing, and I shouldn't have started working so soon. The cop and I looked in all the wastebaskets, but nothing there. He looked at me funny like he didn't believe me.

Dang I'm getting logged out at the library, it's closing.

I guess I'm pretty upset.