(no subject)

I am going nuts. I just lost some money, an envelope with receipts and change from the upcoming Al-anon event I've been helping arrange. This is from a long line of thefts and money disappearing. It seems it's always after a period of not sleeping or being under a lot of stress. I know now one or more of my personalities is doing it on purpose--out of a mistaken sense of doing the the right thing. Or something like that.

I recently found a money order that I thought was in the purse that got stolen in December. $32.60, nice, but I have to get it cashed by sending it in to the literature office, then letting them send me a check, or giving it to the new literature chairperson and seeing if she will cash it. The treasurer for our group will not cash it, she's skittish if she doesn't understand exactly what's going on. But I don't know for sure how to explain it.

I'm about ready to push the issue, though. I don't know what happened to the money, but I paid for it out of my own money, and had to completely forgo giving Christmas gifts. The problem is it just keeps happening.

In my worst moments, it really gives me the creeps. Then there is a part of me that is like, oh well, it's all in God's hands, there's a reason for everything, it's not so bad, it'll all work out.

I am just recovering from 2 or 3 weeks of not sleeping but 3 or 4 hours a night. I had to pray and fast to get over that, had to have  a friend pray for me. So finally last night, about 6 hours of sleep. or 5, I don' t know. I've always had insomnia, as far as I remember.

Oy, that works on your head. Tomorrow is another counseling session. I wish they were more often, but maybe that's all I can handle right now anyway.

The weird thing is that there is something telling me, TOO SICK--meaning just not ready for major surgery. So I am going to have to tell them that tomorrow. And all the paranoia and sleep deprivation, and fears. If they are ready. If I am ready.

I don't know how to explain how desolate I feel when it's really bad, like it was last week. How I felt it was my fate to commit suicide, or have a dull life where nothing works. I guess I've got time to do that.

I just hate it when everything feels like it's falling apart, but I guess after so many years of not even knowing I have a multiple personality, of not knowing I was abused, not knowing I had an abortion--yeah, that's nuts, isn't it? I guess things are not going to look like a bed of roses.

Sometimes I hate to tell them this stuff, sometimes I tend to say everything is fine. But other times it's like they are my counselors, anything I have to tell them they will truly know sooner or later. I do believe in this, that all will be known about me eventually, that's why I tend to want to just spill the beans sometimes. It's just embarrassing to reveal how paranoid I am to anyone. I don't feel like I've really revealed my spiritual paranoia yet. Well, it's just a matter of time.

Good thing for the LJ Saved Draft feature, or I'd have wasted all this complaining.

Happy 75th birthday mom, I have nothing to give you but the hugs I have been giving you lately. I'm still mad at you for some things. I guess I can't help it yet. I haven't processed some of the sneakier, scarier rottener things you've done. I know you don't read my posts or even know anything about computers, so you won't be reading this. I guess I'm just doing it for my own benefit, which may be better than nothing.

(no subject)

Another post because I am nervous today. Nervous and I feel like talking about it. I have been feeling very lonely lately, and I think it is because I am coming to the bottom of a lot of hiding away, isolating and withdrawal.

I keep trying to survive and not lean on the people who are around me ready to help. I know I have been very hard on myself in a lot of ways, and need to learn to trust more. But genuine trust doesn't come in a bottle. Lol, nor could I afford it, probably if I could.

I am in a mad dash to stay connected with people, have the urge to call everyone I know to re-establish relations, like my dad with whom I have little connection. But I know last year I wrote him a thankyou note for my b-day card and check, then did not contact him at Christmas. I really am scared that underneath it all, I have the idea that I trust in money, even though I never darned well have any. And when I get it, it really doesn't make me happy, it is never enough anyway.

I feel crappy, whiny and closed off. It is odd that the central theme in my life is wanting to trust in Jesus, but I never much talk about it, because I feel like a phony. It sounds like something someone else told me to do, but I don't think it is.

I went to the local convenience store this morning, cried because I was so upset about the lost money--or more likely because of whatever is at the root of why I keep just letting it get stolen or misplaced. When I was very little, my mom gave me a doll that she made herself. My older brother tortured it, said it was a Nazi, and hung it from a dresser drawer knob. I then thought it was bad, and evil, so I gave it to a friend who said she liked it, thought it was good. It made sense to me.

Little did I know that my mom was so disappointed. I tried to get hold of that friend for years, but she never answered back my letters. I don't know if that is the basis for my misery, considering that decades later, my mom talked me into having an abortion. I know my purse with the group's literature money was lost in connection with the losss of the baby, I know that now. I could not figure out what was going on. I just know I was looking at a newborn baby that morning, and later went to the library and was looking at a statue in the Childrens' library garden, a parent holding a little child, helping the child read a book. I'm getting tears in my eyes now, and starting to cry at the library. AT least now I know about it, I could have had to wait 40 more years or died being hit by a car distracted by the sight of a mother holding a child.