(no subject)

[afufle]

Last night I was talking to Linda about the chest pains I occasionally have, and a little later, I was talking about Jane G. She's one of the first people I met in Al-Anon six years ago. I said that I was pretty sure I recognized her from White Castle, that I was sitting there one of the times I used to go sit and drink coffee and journal. She was doing a progress report or quarterly review type of thing with a newer employee, was doing a good job of it.

Just then, as I'm telling her that, I have a chest pain, very short, but ouch. The chest pains are not heart related, and I just found out they're related to a calcium defecit.

2 weeks ago, I went to church for the first time in 20 years, to a service for my own benefit as opposed to a wedding or something like that. I had nasty chest pains that night after getting home, lasting so long I had to take ibuprofen. I do know it's anxiety related, but I'm not sure what the trigger is.

I always feel I'm getting close to something that will fill in a missing piece of the puzzle of my life, the idea being that I'm closing something out of my mind that is extremely painful. I'm trying to find a way to relax enough to let my memories through, but it's so slow, the going is so slow.  I can't stand it.

Last year I was even blocking out my dreams for a while, which sometimes happens. But this year it seems to be going better. I had been just lying in bed listening to music for hours on end, and I think it kind of loosened and relaxed my. It's like I'm going down the same track again, but with a bit more grease on the wheels, and maybe more coal shoved in the engine.

Slow going, slow but sure, but so many times I wish I could hurry things, wish I could really stoke the engine. But gotta go at my own pace.

A few years ago in my first year and a half of Al-Anon, I was in a jam as far as where I was living, was desperate, and thought, I think I'll call Diane. She's older, seems to be pretty strong in the program--she'll give me good advice. But I called a different Diane, there were 2 in the group, and the Di I wanted didn't have her name on the list. So I got a temporary sponsor from another meeting, someone younger, and just basically got through the situation, but by putting a patch on things.

I was told by the people I was living with that I had to go to the emergency room for depression medication, or leave in a week. I actually tried that once when I felt suicidal, which was and is a frequent problem. All I could do was make an appointment for a few months later with a clinic. That produced mixed results. It was really difficult and I ended up hating the therapist after a year or two. She was "nice" but she honestly ignored me and FROZE up at my mention of God.

I think my problem for so long was that I need God, I know I need God, but I haven't been able to seek help but from people who don't believe in God. I guess because at least then I know what I'm dealing with, whereas because of years of abuse from people who I thought also believed, I didn't trust anyone who said they believe.

Also I think I was just afraid that if I asked anyone really good to help me, I would either take out my anger toward the hypocrites on them, or maybe be told I really wasn't a good person, so forget it, buh-bye. Because I think I'd been told that before. "My problem is I don't trust Jesus" "Well, if you can't bring your self to trust Jesus, I can't help you". *Sighs* That Pentecostal pastor seemed liek a really good guy to me.

Then there is the problem that I think I just thought I had to really jump through hoops to prove I loved God, or something like that, and I just couldn't bring myself to do that. <i>Or, I really watn't ready to give up everything I owned.</i> I really think I was mentally reserving some things for myself, just coudn't resist. Oddly I thought I was rich, but how could I have thought that?

Sorry for the long post--to me my life is so darn complcated, or at least my problems are.

Comments

[angelspensieve.livejournal.com]

You don't have to prove to anyone you believe in God. All you have to prove to is yourself. There are too many hypocrites out there that say they believe in God then turn around and treat people like crap.

So just trust in what you believe. God doesn't always give us what we want, and sometimes if we tell him what we want he will just sit back and wait until we let him do the work. I don't know if that makes sense or not.

But anyway, you go with what your beliefs are, and forget about what others think. God will help you work things out.

Hang in there hun!!

[afufle.livejournal.com]

"and sometimes if we tell him what we want he will just sit back and wait until we let him do the work."

Yes, I really have to know it's what he wants and that I can't do it myself.