Hostile mood
Nov. 3rd, 2004 03:02 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
afufleI was wondering why I was feeling really hostile earlier, and realized it's a buildup of things. Last night and this afternoon I was talking to some folks about a few issues, one in particular that is key is something that occurred when I was about 12-13. I was writing to a friend in Michigan, from here in Ohio, and for some reason must have been interrupted, distracted or whatever after just writing the name and street address. The envelope was put out for the mailman to pick up, probably my mom not looking too closely. Or maybe I did it, thinking I'd finished the job.
It came back with "undeliverable as addressed", and my Dad smacked it down in front of me, pointing to the incomplete address and saying, "Look at this, this is just stupid. It's just stupid!
I guess because I was young, I didn't question the statement, just trusted that he was right. In spite of the fact that it's a mistake anyone could have made, and the fact that I certainly didn't believe it would have arrived in my friend's mailbox without city, staty and zip code, I thought that I was much stupider than I was. I was always trying to correct that type of mistake, thinking there was something terribly wrong and that I needed a lot of work on my character.
After a rather long day in front of the computer on Monday, with no breaks for water or exercise for quite a few hours, I got on the bus. I'd been fumbling in both pockets and my backpack for change, and had even gotten my wallet out. I had it clutched under one arm and was fumbling in my pocket again & found what I needed. I still had the wallet under my arm. I had a vague thought of putting it back in my backpack right away, but something must have distracted me. Oddly I have no memory of those moments, and I usually remember a lot of little things. Anyway, the next day I realized I did not bring my wallet home with me. I was looking for an appointment card that was in there, & the wallet was no where to be found.
I prayed right away that someone honest had found it, tried to think what I had in it. No cash, luckily. Some condemning thoughts came into my head, as though my dad were living in my head, "...just stupid, just stupid, just stupid!"
After a while of just letting go of my negative thoughts like that, gently pushing them away, I felt that for whatever reason, I wasn't really worried, even though leaving your wallet on a large city bus is not the best place to trust that an honest person will find it.
I was going to cancel the three things I had to do on Tues., just because I figured that if I was feeling so screwed up that I couldn't remember to put my wallet where it belonged to keep it safe, then I needed some absolutely stress-free time to myself so I could relax and take it easy. I called to cancel my appointment with the doc who oversees my "psychiatric meds" (I take a small-time antidepressant), but I realized the appointment was not until rather late in the day and by then I would know what happened to the wallet, if I call the bus company. I was sure I had lost it rather than someone having lifted it. (I was so relieved when I realized that at least I wouldn't have to make a police report, which is a drag, and I find it humiliating, long story why).
After I realized I had this really confident or elated feeling about the whole thing, well I don't know how to describe the feeling, just not really upset or worried at all. Er, after that, I decided not to call the bus co. I got on the same # bus that evening, the same driver picked me up and said, "is your name Elizabeth?". Relief. The only way he could have known my name is that my wallet had been found and someone had passed it to the driver. I will have to go out of my way a bit to get it back, but it's not so bad. Whew.
What gets me is the feeling inside myself that's just waiting for me to make a mistake so it can jump out and say "told you so! you're stupid! typical, you fucked up! You always do this! It's a fatal flaw, you're not good enough in any way to get any better at all!" Bleah. So stupid. Dr. C. said she's lost her wallet & it happens to a lot of people. It just doesn't mean you're stupid. I'm still trying to please my dad, but it was illogical of him to call me stupid in the first place. I need to find a better dad-figure, and just quit trying to fill the vacuum of the universe. He wouldn't be pleased with me if I'd done perfectly. I can't keep carrying him around in my head.
I've known it's that way for a long time, and I've known he is wrong the way he raised us and the expectations he had, and I've been able to get my head somewhat straightened out in this respect, but I had no idea how much I still try to please people I've already decided will never be pleased.
I was talking to Gini today, about someone who surely seems to dislike me, though I don't know why. I've stopped talking to me and she seems not to notice or care. I kept thinking I must have done something, and was going through the one thing I thought it might be. Gini said, it's just like you were doing with your family, you're trying to think of what it might be that YOU did to make them act the way they do sometimes. They act the way they do because it's the way they act.
Anyway, another thing I realized more deeply is that I worry so much about certain things happening, esp. losing things, that I am rigid and those thoughts just take over and I make them happen. I am kind of conscious of that, but but moreso now. I need to RELAX. And not worry and get upset about small things anyway. It's what so many in my family worry about, and it's a waste energy and insulting.
Uh. I made a friend's only post banner, only to be unable to find it. I think that happened when the computer froze up Monday, but I did like the thing and hope I can find the pic again. I'm going way back in my friend's page to look for it.
Well that was a long post because of what's behind the cut!
It came back with "undeliverable as addressed", and my Dad smacked it down in front of me, pointing to the incomplete address and saying, "Look at this, this is just stupid. It's just stupid!
I guess because I was young, I didn't question the statement, just trusted that he was right. In spite of the fact that it's a mistake anyone could have made, and the fact that I certainly didn't believe it would have arrived in my friend's mailbox without city, staty and zip code, I thought that I was much stupider than I was. I was always trying to correct that type of mistake, thinking there was something terribly wrong and that I needed a lot of work on my character.
After a rather long day in front of the computer on Monday, with no breaks for water or exercise for quite a few hours, I got on the bus. I'd been fumbling in both pockets and my backpack for change, and had even gotten my wallet out. I had it clutched under one arm and was fumbling in my pocket again & found what I needed. I still had the wallet under my arm. I had a vague thought of putting it back in my backpack right away, but something must have distracted me. Oddly I have no memory of those moments, and I usually remember a lot of little things. Anyway, the next day I realized I did not bring my wallet home with me. I was looking for an appointment card that was in there, & the wallet was no where to be found.
I prayed right away that someone honest had found it, tried to think what I had in it. No cash, luckily. Some condemning thoughts came into my head, as though my dad were living in my head, "...just stupid, just stupid, just stupid!"
After a while of just letting go of my negative thoughts like that, gently pushing them away, I felt that for whatever reason, I wasn't really worried, even though leaving your wallet on a large city bus is not the best place to trust that an honest person will find it.
I was going to cancel the three things I had to do on Tues., just because I figured that if I was feeling so screwed up that I couldn't remember to put my wallet where it belonged to keep it safe, then I needed some absolutely stress-free time to myself so I could relax and take it easy. I called to cancel my appointment with the doc who oversees my "psychiatric meds" (I take a small-time antidepressant), but I realized the appointment was not until rather late in the day and by then I would know what happened to the wallet, if I call the bus company. I was sure I had lost it rather than someone having lifted it. (I was so relieved when I realized that at least I wouldn't have to make a police report, which is a drag, and I find it humiliating, long story why).
After I realized I had this really confident or elated feeling about the whole thing, well I don't know how to describe the feeling, just not really upset or worried at all. Er, after that, I decided not to call the bus co. I got on the same # bus that evening, the same driver picked me up and said, "is your name Elizabeth?". Relief. The only way he could have known my name is that my wallet had been found and someone had passed it to the driver. I will have to go out of my way a bit to get it back, but it's not so bad. Whew.
What gets me is the feeling inside myself that's just waiting for me to make a mistake so it can jump out and say "told you so! you're stupid! typical, you fucked up! You always do this! It's a fatal flaw, you're not good enough in any way to get any better at all!" Bleah. So stupid. Dr. C. said she's lost her wallet & it happens to a lot of people. It just doesn't mean you're stupid. I'm still trying to please my dad, but it was illogical of him to call me stupid in the first place. I need to find a better dad-figure, and just quit trying to fill the vacuum of the universe. He wouldn't be pleased with me if I'd done perfectly. I can't keep carrying him around in my head.
I've known it's that way for a long time, and I've known he is wrong the way he raised us and the expectations he had, and I've been able to get my head somewhat straightened out in this respect, but I had no idea how much I still try to please people I've already decided will never be pleased.
I was talking to Gini today, about someone who surely seems to dislike me, though I don't know why. I've stopped talking to me and she seems not to notice or care. I kept thinking I must have done something, and was going through the one thing I thought it might be. Gini said, it's just like you were doing with your family, you're trying to think of what it might be that YOU did to make them act the way they do sometimes. They act the way they do because it's the way they act.
Anyway, another thing I realized more deeply is that I worry so much about certain things happening, esp. losing things, that I am rigid and those thoughts just take over and I make them happen. I am kind of conscious of that, but but moreso now. I need to RELAX. And not worry and get upset about small things anyway. It's what so many in my family worry about, and it's a waste energy and insulting.
Uh. I made a friend's only post banner, only to be unable to find it. I think that happened when the computer froze up Monday, but I did like the thing and hope I can find the pic again. I'm going way back in my friend's page to look for it.
Well that was a long post because of what's behind the cut!
