(no subject)

Last night I was talking to Linda about the chest pains I occasionally have, and a little later, I was talking about Jane G. She's one of the first people I met in Al-Anon six years ago. I said that I was pretty sure I recognized her from White Castle, that I was sitting there one of the times I used to go sit and drink coffee and journal. She was doing a progress report or quarterly review type of thing with a newer employee, was doing a good job of it.

Just then, as I'm telling her that, I have a chest pain, very short, but ouch. The chest pains are not heart related, and I just found out they're related to a calcium defecit.

2 weeks ago, I went to church for the first time in 20 years, to a service for my own benefit as opposed to a wedding or something like that. I had nasty chest pains that night after getting home, lasting so long I had to take ibuprofen. I do know it's anxiety related, but I'm not sure what the trigger is.

I always feel I'm getting close to something that will fill in a missing piece of the puzzle of my life, the idea being that I'm closing something out of my mind that is extremely painful. I'm trying to find a way to relax enough to let my memories through, but it's so slow, the going is so slow.  I can't stand it.

Last year I was even blocking out my dreams for a while, which sometimes happens. But this year it seems to be going better. I had been just lying in bed listening to music for hours on end, and I think it kind of loosened and relaxed my. It's like I'm going down the same track again, but with a bit more grease on the wheels, and maybe more coal shoved in the engine.

Slow going, slow but sure, but so many times I wish I could hurry things, wish I could really stoke the engine. But gotta go at my own pace.

A few years ago in my first year and a half of Al-Anon, I was in a jam as far as where I was living, was desperate, and thought, I think I'll call Diane. She's older, seems to be pretty strong in the program--she'll give me good advice. But I called a different Diane, there were 2 in the group, and the Di I wanted didn't have her name on the list. So I got a temporary sponsor from another meeting, someone younger, and just basically got through the situation, but by putting a patch on things.

I was told by the people I was living with that I had to go to the emergency room for depression medication, or leave in a week. I actually tried that once when I felt suicidal, which was and is a frequent problem. All I could do was make an appointment for a few months later with a clinic. That produced mixed results. It was really difficult and I ended up hating the therapist after a year or two. She was "nice" but she honestly ignored me and FROZE up at my mention of God.

I think my problem for so long was that I need God, I know I need God, but I haven't been able to seek help but from people who don't believe in God. I guess because at least then I know what I'm dealing with, whereas because of years of abuse from people who I thought also believed, I didn't trust anyone who said they believe.

Also I think I was just afraid that if I asked anyone really good to help me, I would either take out my anger toward the hypocrites on them, or maybe be told I really wasn't a good person, so forget it, buh-bye. Because I think I'd been told that before. "My problem is I don't trust Jesus" "Well, if you can't bring your self to trust Jesus, I can't help you". *Sighs* That Pentecostal pastor seemed liek a really good guy to me.

Then there is the problem that I think I just thought I had to really jump through hoops to prove I loved God, or something like that, and I just couldn't bring myself to do that. <i>Or, I really watn't ready to give up everything I owned.</i> I really think I was mentally reserving some things for myself, just coudn't resist. Oddly I thought I was rich, but how could I have thought that?

Sorry for the long post--to me my life is so darn complcated, or at least my problems are.