(no subject)

 


Just because I thought that was cute. I'm a Boar, in the Chinese system of years.

I am really just spaced out, have had the blahs through January, except when I am really angry and vent when I am alone. Half the time when I do that, I don't know who the hell I'm angry at, which is very confusing. I think it's at my dad, who used to just dump on us all the time. Not even sure.

I had this dream a week or so ago, where my sister told me, musically and in Gaelic, that if I don't go to my 12-step meetings, I won't "grow up", or live very long or prosper or grow or however you want to say it. I really had been feeling distant and disinterested about my meetings, but after skipping one Alanon and one OA, I went again. Though late for the Alanon. Last night at the Oa meeting (Overeaters), I felt very spacy. My mind has been wandering, I think part of me is always distracted and it's hard for me to concentrate. 

I started to stand  up when they told the sponsors to stand, but was able to laugh it off, just explained that I felt spacy, beent that way. It was kind of embarassing, but I laughed it off, I guess I'm not too concerned. I think they
re used to people being not with it. I actually need a sponsor, but am having a very very very hard time with committing to the idea of NO SUGAR, that apples are not a good idea, etc. And in general I am scared of committing to anything, my attention wanders so and ...scared. But, that's life. 

I think I want something really badly sometimes, then it'll be like the light goes right out, never happened. I drift away from things, from people, I reach out for a hand, and I see it's there, and then it's like something in me is scared to get any closer, I'll just stay the way I am thanks.

:(

That's life I guess. I do think I'm getting better, and recognizing problems are the first step to getting through them to change.