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Jun. 21st, 2005 04:47 pm[I've had nothing to eat today but some candy!!!!!] Took off really early to get to my therapy appt., no time to eat brekkies. I couldn't help digging into the candy dish at the therapist's office. This could result in a pimple.]
I had to get up several hours earlier than usual, & didn't leave myself time to make breakfast, so ate candy at the doctor's office since I was ravenous after the long walk to make up for it. Well, at least it's candy I like. As I said to my therapist, though, that's going to be good for at least one decent-sized pimple.
I was thinking about my family and patterns of abuse, physical, verbal, emotional, etc., last night. My mom had had to go live with an aunt and an uncle for a year when she was very little. They lived on a ranch in "Indian" territory, rented it from the natives. They had quite a few sons, and my mother complained to my aunt when they gave her a hard time [I still don't know what happened], and her aunt said, "well that's how boys show you they like you. They're just teasing."
A few years ago, my cousin J3said that her older sister C. had sexually molested her. My mom talked to the oldest sister, J1, who said J3 was taking this too seriously, that C. had not really molested her. Mom said to the family: "C. was just teasing her.
Uh, huh. TEASING. That's what my mom said once when some damned littly boy decided to yank my pants down to see what was there, when I was a bit older and some other little fellow decided to shove his tongue down my throat, and any other time I complained about being abused in any way. Also, I was "just feeling sorry for myself", according to her, and it was "my fault" and blah blah blah. Guess who learned to stay away from other little kids and not ever mention to her that anything was wrong? (Rhetorical question)
I have to mention that I used to dread cousin C.'s visits. She used to tighten her hands around my throat and throw me on the bed or viceversa. She didn't do anything sexual that I remember, I think it was just physical. It was always the hands around throat, and it only lasted a few years. I do suppose she thought it was just kidding around, and didn't know that it used to bother the hell out of me. I never mentioned this to my Mom, for obvious reasons. But I have little doubt that she went overboard with J3, and that there well could have been some sexual overtones to it. C. had been stalked at one point in her childhood, prior to this, and my aunt ended it by cutting her past the waist length hair to a little Buster Brown bob. (A man used to tail her in his car).
J3 is a very honest person, honest with herself and others, so I doubt she's exaggerating.
Last night I was thinking about "teasing" and how boys are abusive because they like you, and though I've been pretty sure intellectually for years that what my Mom was talking about as teasing was really abuse. How can it mean someone likes you when they call you ugly and stupid, mock-murder your dolls, etc.?
My oldest brother did that. He was involved in am incident in first grade where an older boy forced him to take his clothes off. My dad was a teacher at the the Roman Catholic school my brother attended, and that was the last my mother ever heard of it. My dad never told her how he handled it, or whether he did anything at all. My dad was the school battle-axe, taught 6th 7th and 8th grade math and science. He was called in to scream at and degrade one of my classmates, Randy B., for bad behavior. Randy was the class ne'er-do-well, and I don't know if he needed a good screaming at , or whether that did more harm than good. My dad hit my mom, too, but he told her that if she told anyone else, he'd start beating us too. He did anyway, but when she wasn't around.
Great family, huh?
I had to get up several hours earlier than usual, & didn't leave myself time to make breakfast, so ate candy at the doctor's office since I was ravenous after the long walk to make up for it. Well, at least it's candy I like. As I said to my therapist, though, that's going to be good for at least one decent-sized pimple.
I was thinking about my family and patterns of abuse, physical, verbal, emotional, etc., last night. My mom had had to go live with an aunt and an uncle for a year when she was very little. They lived on a ranch in "Indian" territory, rented it from the natives. They had quite a few sons, and my mother complained to my aunt when they gave her a hard time [I still don't know what happened], and her aunt said, "well that's how boys show you they like you. They're just teasing."
A few years ago, my cousin J3said that her older sister C. had sexually molested her. My mom talked to the oldest sister, J1, who said J3 was taking this too seriously, that C. had not really molested her. Mom said to the family: "C. was just teasing her.
Uh, huh. TEASING. That's what my mom said once when some damned littly boy decided to yank my pants down to see what was there, when I was a bit older and some other little fellow decided to shove his tongue down my throat, and any other time I complained about being abused in any way. Also, I was "just feeling sorry for myself", according to her, and it was "my fault" and blah blah blah. Guess who learned to stay away from other little kids and not ever mention to her that anything was wrong? (Rhetorical question)
I have to mention that I used to dread cousin C.'s visits. She used to tighten her hands around my throat and throw me on the bed or viceversa. She didn't do anything sexual that I remember, I think it was just physical. It was always the hands around throat, and it only lasted a few years. I do suppose she thought it was just kidding around, and didn't know that it used to bother the hell out of me. I never mentioned this to my Mom, for obvious reasons. But I have little doubt that she went overboard with J3, and that there well could have been some sexual overtones to it. C. had been stalked at one point in her childhood, prior to this, and my aunt ended it by cutting her past the waist length hair to a little Buster Brown bob. (A man used to tail her in his car).
J3 is a very honest person, honest with herself and others, so I doubt she's exaggerating.
Last night I was thinking about "teasing" and how boys are abusive because they like you, and though I've been pretty sure intellectually for years that what my Mom was talking about as teasing was really abuse. How can it mean someone likes you when they call you ugly and stupid, mock-murder your dolls, etc.?
My oldest brother did that. He was involved in am incident in first grade where an older boy forced him to take his clothes off. My dad was a teacher at the the Roman Catholic school my brother attended, and that was the last my mother ever heard of it. My dad never told her how he handled it, or whether he did anything at all. My dad was the school battle-axe, taught 6th 7th and 8th grade math and science. He was called in to scream at and degrade one of my classmates, Randy B., for bad behavior. Randy was the class ne'er-do-well, and I don't know if he needed a good screaming at , or whether that did more harm than good. My dad hit my mom, too, but he told her that if she told anyone else, he'd start beating us too. He did anyway, but when she wasn't around.
Great family, huh?
